I am the kind of person who will disappear rather than have a difficult conversation.
Idris was — is, probably — one of those rare people who genuinely gives a shit. Not the performative kind where they remember your coffee order to seem thoughtful. The real kind where he‘d text me at 11pm because he remembered I had a presentation the next morning and wanted to make sure I wasn’t spiraling.
We met through Pilar at some rooftop thing in Brooklyn. He wasn‘t trying to impress anyone, which immediately made him different from every other guy there. While everyone else was doing that thing where they’re talking to you but scanning the room for someone better, Idris actually listened when I complained about my job. Asked follow-up questions. Remembered details the next week.
For six months, it was perfect in a way that should have been a red flag. He‘d bring me soup when I was sick without me asking. He’d drive forty minutes to pick me up from the airport. Once, he showed up at my apartment with a bottle of wine and my favorite takeout just because I‘d had a bad day at work.
Normal people would think: jackpot. I thought: this is too much pressure.
Because here’s the thing nobody tells you about being loved by someone genuinely good — it requires you to be worthy of it.
And I wasn‘t. Not then. I was still hung up on my ex who treated me like an option. Still working sixty-hour weeks because I thought being indispensable at my job would fix whatever was broken in me. Still canceling plans last minute and showing up late and forgetting to text back for days.
Idris never complained. He’d just reschedule. Show up whenever I was ready. Wait for me to remember to respond. Which somehow made it worse.
The exact moment I knew I was going to run was when he said ‘I love you’ for the first time. We were on my couch, watching some Netflix show I can‘t even remember, and he said it so casually. Like it was obvious. Like loving me was the easiest thing in the world.
I said it back because that’s what you do. But inside I was already planning my exit.
I didn‘t ghost him immediately. I’m not a complete monster. First I started responding to his texts hours later instead of right away. Then I‘d be ’too tired‘ for dinner. Then I stopped making plans altogether and only responded when he reached out first.
He noticed, obviously. He asked if everything was okay. If I needed space. If he’d done something wrong. And instead of being honest — that I was terrified of disappointing someone who actually saw the best in me — I told him work was crazy and I just needed to focus on my career right now.
He said he understood. Said he‘d give me space but he’d be there when I was ready. That he wasn‘t going anywhere.
So I went somewhere instead.
I stopped responding entirely. Blocked his number. Unfriended him on everything. When Pilar asked what happened, I told her we just weren’t compatible. She gave me this look like she knew I was lying, but she didn‘t push.
The flowers started showing up every year on my birthday. No card, but I knew they were from him.
White roses. Same ones he brought me on our second date when I mentioned I thought red roses were cliché. They’d arrive at my apartment, then my new apartment when I moved, then my office when I somehow got promoted to a job I actually liked.
Three years of flowers. Three years of him somehow tracking down where I was just to make sure I knew someone still thought I was worth celebrating. I never acknowledged them. Never reached out to say stop. Never said thank you.
Last month, Pilar told me Idris got engaged. She didn‘t say it to hurt me — she mentioned it casually, the way you’d mention anyone from your past moving on. But she watched my face when she said it.
No flowers came this year.
I could reach out now. Send a congratulations text. Acknowledge that I handled things badly. Apologize for disappearing on someone who deserved better.
But I won‘t. Because the kind of person who ghosts someone for loving them too well is also the kind of person who stays disappeared. And maybe that’s for the best.
His fiancée probably texts him back right away.