Confession

So this is embarrassing to type out but I kind of need to say it somewhere that isn't my own head. I've spent about twelve years being whoever the room needed me to be. Last week someone asked me what I actually like and I just... stared at them.

I need to type this out before I completely lose my mind. I've been carrying this for four years and it just got so much worse this morning. I'm not looking for absolution. I think I just need someone else to know.

I found out by accident. I was never supposed to find out at all. And the worst part isn't what he did — it's that I've had eighteen years to say something and I still haven't.

This happened four years ago and I still think about it basically every day. Not in a dramatic way. Just in the way where you're making coffee and it lands on you again and you have to breathe through it. I wasn't a bad person. I just made a bad choice. There's a difference, I think. I'm still trying to decide if the difference matters.

This happened about four years ago and I've never said it out loud to anyone. Not my therapist, not my wife, not my best friend. I'm posting this anonymously because I need it to exist somewhere outside of my own head. I was jealous of someone I genuinely liked. That's the part that still gets me.

I've never told anyone this. Not my wife, not my therapist, not my best friend. I've carried it around for so long it just started to feel like part of my personality. Like, oh that's just who I am, someone who feels vaguely terrible all the time. Turns out there's a reason for that.

My dad died on a Tuesday. I know exactly what I said to him that morning. I've replayed it probably ten thousand times and it never gets easier and I've never once told the complete story to anyone, including my therapist. I'm telling it now because I'm tired of carrying it.

So this is going to make me sound like a terrible person. I am, or I was, I don't know. I've been sitting on this for four years and I just need to say it out loud somewhere that isn't my own head.

I didn't even mean to say it the first time. It just came out, and the interviewer wrote something down, and I got the job. That was 2013. My daughter is nine now and she genuinely believes her dad went to Penn State. Last Tuesday she asked me to come talk to her class about my career and bring my 'college stuff.'

Every month, $47.83 comes out of a separate checking account my wife doesn't know about. I've spent over $3,400 to hear a 12-second recording. And I'd pay triple that to never lose it.

When I was five, I broke my mom's favorite vase and blamed it on not being able to see the red 'don't touch' sticker. That single lie snowballed into two decades of doctor's appointments, special accommodations, and a family that treats me like I'm fragile. I see colors perfectly fine.